Lost? That'll cost ya!

I actually wrote this almost 10 days ago, but forgot to post it last week.

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Ever since falling off the wagon and falling back into tabletop gaming, I've been finding myself out in the Chicago western suburbs a ton. Downer's Grove has the Battle Bunker, which is the hub of Games Workshop gaming. That's not the hard part. I can basically find my way there from anywhere, provided anywhere is my house. Once it's no longer my house, or something near my house, I tend to get a little confused.

Incidentally I think it drives my girlfriend nuts. I always take the route I know, not necessarily the fastest/most efficient route anywhere. Why? Because I'm kind of stupid.

Regardless, I had to take the lovely lady to the airport. She was flying someplace glamorous. On the way up the Dan Ryan she said, "you're so great for taking me to the airport!"

I flexed my chestal muscles and bicepuli, and said, "Why of course it's great. I'M great!" Or something like that. I thought she was just totally impressed by my driving, weaving in and out of traffic in quasi-legal maneuvers in order to get her to the airport 3 minutes early.
She said, "Look at your return drive! You're awesome!". I ceased my Andretti style performance a second and glanced across the freeway to see . . . a dead stop. Nothing's moving headed south. I stopped making moves as I wished to track this developing situation. And it got no better for miles. OK, 2 miles. Technically, still miles. Either way, my ride home was going to suck.

I made some off the cuff comment about "road head" and chuckle a bit, while crossing my fingers that she'll say "hell yeah!" and go to town. That only works in pornography films, apparently. Same with the whole slap the face with your dick thing. Only porn, fellas, only porn.

I developed plan B while driving her to the airport. Instead of going home and, say, cleaning stuff, I'd go to Downer's Grove, avoiding all of the traffic on the Dan Ryan, buy some new miniatures, and assemble them in the store. Brilliant! The only major problem with this plan is this: O'Hare is not my house. Therefore, I had no clue on how to get to Downer's Grove. I had ideas . . . I planned on taking 294 because I end up on that road at some point when I leave from My House. I'd just take it the opposite direction and will be fine. And I was fine for about 10 minutes. But then the signs began. The big one that caused me the greatest consternation was the one labelled 88. I thought, "I have to get on that maybe." But I wasn't really sure. See, the exit I normally take from My House is labelled 294 AND 88. I never really paid much attention on which one I end up on. It's the one on the left. That's all I know. How is that all I know? I'm kind of stupid.

The biggest problem is I was doing about 75 MPH trying to figure all this out, and the first sign I had to start thinking about it was 1 mile out. Normally 60 seconds is PLENTY of time, but my CD had just ended and I had to prioritize. And I've never been good at that. Ask my boss(es). So the 60 seconds I had was roughly 15, and I was in the wrong lane to make any moves anyway. I waved goodbye to the sign 88 and figured maybe I'm not too badly off. I'd just get off at the next. . . toll plaza? But I already paid two of these! Bang, another $.80. Naturally, this precluded turning around and paying another toll immediately. I would forge through the wilderness to Downers Grove, like a mountain man or Davy Crockett. Or his partner, Tubbs.

I got off on an exit for Comack Boulevard or something. Maybe it was another street. Frankly, I don't remember. Whenever I get lost I enter this haze and never remember any turn I make until I actually get into the gas station, wherever I am, crying, and beg the attendant to give me directions to wherever the hell I was going. In this case, my avoidance of 1 toll lost me 45 minutes, and I had to pay two tolls to get to where I was trying to go. That's efficiency.

My big beef about this is twofold - first of all, Chicago officials lied to us. Maybe it was Illinois officials, who happen to live in Chicago. Either way, originally 294 was going to be a toll road until it had paid for its own construction, at which time the tolls were going to be taken away and it would be a plain ol' highway. I suppose we should have known that was a lie from the get-go. Now they're using the money to build more toll roads. Chicago's aspirations aren't to be New York, it turns out, but New Jersey. Hooray.

My second beef with the whole thing is simple - it's damned expensive to get lost! One wrong turn, and you're paying at least another $.80 and more likely $1.60 bare minimum. I think they've grifted me out of about $10 in the last 2 months. That's unfair. They already tax stupid people with the lottery. Why do they need to tax us again with the tolls! That, my friends, is double taxation. And rich people tell me that's bad.